It’s not often I’ll admit to being selfish. I try so hard to keep from being self absorbed. I have a desire to help others and work to fulfill that desire whenever possible. Recently I have come to accept I’m completely and utterly selfish. Here’s why. In 2015, I made a decision I wasn’t sure I could fulfill. I was pregnant. I didn’t want to be. I felt shame, frustration, anger, scared. I was not happy about the possibility of another child. After all, two was my max. I had the “perfect” family, one girl, one boy.
During this time I researched my options.I knew I had to figure how to make this work. I even went and spoke to someone about adoption. I knew there was no way I could have this baby and keep it. He/She would be better off if someone else raised her. I was maxed out with the two I had, the very idea of changing that dynamic was terrifying.
As they explained the adoption process and how I still had the opportunity to change my mind all the way up until a few days after birth. I kept thinking, that adoption was the right thing. I wanted to make sure this baby was with someone who could offer what I couldn’t. Yet, that nagging feeling of how could I give one baby away when I had their brother and sister at home just ate at me. How could I not keep them, knowing I was raising their siblings.
So I kept the information given to me and went on my way. Knowing that I still could do what I needed to do. Whatever that turned out to be. I didn’t want to commit to the adoption process until I was absolutely sure I could let my child go without changing my mind later. I couldn’t stand the thought of telling someone they would have a child soon and then taking that dream away. I expressed my concerns to the agency as they assured me I was not an awful person for feeling the way I did. Deep down I knew I couldn’t offer them 100%. I would figure it all out. I struggled and struggled with my conflicting feelings, I felt so bad that I was able to bear a child I did not want yet so many people are unable to conceive at all. As I wanted was for this baby to be loved, the way I loved my other two. Yet it felt like it was impossible to offer that.
My doctors even discussed how the adoption process would go in the hospital. “I’ve had birth mothers and the new family went out of the hospital on opposite entrances.” As comforting as she sad trying to be, it made me realize I could not leave the hospital without knowing my child was coming home with me. God willing.
Fast forward almost 2 years, I can’t help but feel selfish I am able to get all the love this little girl has to offer. things have changed so much since she arrived. Things are by no means perfect. There are times I wonder how it will work out. The times I know I made The right choice is when she cheesy grins at me, when she butts her head into mine to offer a kiss, possibly breaking my nose in the process. The way she cocks her head sideways to see what I’m doing constantly.
Everyday I witness this little girl grow and change as she just gets bigger and bigger. She brings a ton of joy into my life.
I may be bias but i have yet to find a single person who does not take a liking to her. She can lift my spirits with her sweet laugh. She may not have all the material things someone else could have to offer. But I have everything I didn’t realize I needed all because I was selfish.
I know had I put her up for adoption she would of been quite the gift but I’m so glad I fought through the heartache to end up with such an amazing child. For that I am forever grateful. I often think about what she would of had if I had not been selfish but I know now the decision made was the best one I could have made. I wanted her to be loved and she is loved beyond measure. I still struggle with guilt for feeling the way I did. But in a way I appreciate her more, because I fought a hard internal battle to come to this decision.
I’m really thankful I had a choice. I can not imagine having that choice taking from me. I believe the internal battle is hard enough. I had to make the decision that was right for me. As I believe we all should be able to do. Whatever the beliefs are. I may not agree with your choice,and you may not agree with mine but I can agree with the right to choose. Life is tough enough without pitting ourselves against each other. So while someone’s choice may seem selfish, sometimes being selfish turns out just fine.