Nani's Corner

Selfish

It’s  not often I’ll admit to being selfish. I try so hard to keep from being self absorbed.  I have a desire to help others and work to fulfill that desire whenever possible.  Recently I have come to accept I’m completely and utterly selfish. Here’s why.  In 2015, I made a decision I wasn’t sure I could fulfill.  I was pregnant. I didn’t want to be. I felt shame, frustration, anger, scared. I was not happy about the possibility of another child.  After all, two was my max. I had the “perfect” family, one girl, one boy.  

During this time I researched my options.I knew I had to figure how to make this work. I even went and spoke to someone about adoption. I knew there was no way I could have this baby and keep it. He/She would be better off if someone else raised her. I  was  maxed out with the two I had, the very idea of changing that dynamic was terrifying. 

As they explained the adoption process and how I still had the opportunity to change my mind all the way up until a few days after birth.  I kept thinking, that adoption was the right thing.  I wanted to make sure this baby was with someone who could offer what I couldn’t. Yet, that nagging feeling of how could I give one baby away when I had their brother and sister at home just ate at me. How could I not keep them, knowing I was raising their siblings.  

So I  kept the information given to me and went on my way.  Knowing that I still could  do what I needed to do. Whatever that turned out to be. I didn’t want to commit to the adoption process until I was absolutely sure I could let my child go without changing my mind later. I couldn’t stand the thought of telling someone they would have a child soon and then taking that dream away. I expressed my concerns to the agency as they assured me I was not an awful person for feeling the way I did.  Deep down I knew I couldn’t offer them 100%. I would figure it all out. I struggled and struggled with my conflicting feelings, I felt so bad that I was able to bear a child I did not want yet so many people are unable to conceive at all. As I wanted was for this baby to be loved,  the way I loved my other two. Yet it felt like it was impossible to offer that.

41 weeks.
  My doctors even discussed how the adoption process would go in the hospital. “I’ve  had birth mothers and the new family went out of the hospital on opposite entrances.” As comforting as she sad trying to be, it made me realize I could not leave the hospital without knowing my child was coming home with me. God willing.

  Fast forward almost 2 years, I can’t help but feel selfish I am able to get all the love this little girl has to offer.  things have changed so much since she arrived. Things are by no means perfect. There are times I wonder how it will work out. The times I know I made The right choice is when she cheesy grins at me, when she butts her head into mine to offer a  kiss, possibly breaking my nose in the process. The way she cocks her head sideways to see what I’m doing constantly.

 Everyday I witness this little girl grow and change as she just gets bigger and bigger.  She brings a ton of joy into my life. 

I may be bias but i have yet to find a single person who does not  take a liking to her.  She can lift my spirits with her sweet laugh. She may not have all the material things someone else could have to offer. But I have everything I didn’t realize I needed all because I was selfish.

 I know had I put her up for adoption she would of been quite the gift but I’m so glad  I fought through the heartache to end up with such an amazing child.  For that I am forever grateful. I often think about what she would of had if I had not been selfish but I know now the decision made was the best one I could have made. I wanted her to be loved and she is loved beyond measure. I still struggle with guilt for feeling the way I did. But in a way I appreciate her more,  because I fought a hard internal battle to come to this decision.  

I’m really thankful I had a choice.  I can not imagine having that choice taking from me. I believe the internal battle is hard enough. I had to make the decision that was right for me. As I believe we all should be able to do.  Whatever the beliefs are.  I may not agree with your choice,and you may not agree with mine but I can agree with the right to choose.  Life is tough enough without pitting ourselves against each other.  So while someone’s choice may seem selfish, sometimes being selfish turns out just fine.  

Nani's Corner

Silver linings

As a kid, I think a lot of us wanted to fit in with the cool kids, the ones who always seemed to be having a good time. Getting older has really changed my perspective on this. Continue reading “Silver linings”

Nani's Corner

The end of an Era. My breastfeeding journey. 

I never thought I would be here. I think life is funny like that.  Rarely do we end up in the places we think we are going to go. It’s been about a month since I last breastfed, part of me is sad and part of me is amazed at the power breastfeeding held. I didn’t have to do much to get her calmed down or to sleep when I was able to offer her my breast. Continue reading “The end of an Era. My breastfeeding journey. “

Nani's Corner

Motherhood……What they don’t tell you.

“I don’t get a single second to myself.” I text my friend exasperated. As I hit send, my youngest is grabbing onto me to get balanced while my middle child has his arms around my neck. I try to pull them off of me as one cries and the other laughs wildly.

Continue reading “Motherhood……What they don’t tell you.”

Nani's Corner

Void-Where to go from here.

Have you ever had one of those days where your insides feel empty? A void just seems to linger inside your chest. Lately,  days like that have seemed to multiply for me.

Continue reading “Void-Where to go from here.”

Nani's Corner

To whom it may concern. 

There’s no denying that I am angry.The emotion courses through my veins like hot lava. No matter how much I try to keep things  civil between us, it’s proven to be impossible for the time being.  You can only see your hurt as you make things worse for the kids. Removing yourself from their lives for now because  you can’t stand watching me have a life without you in it. I get it, I do. I don’t want to be around you just as much as you don’t want to be around me. I am fully prepared to do this all on my own no matter what happens.

I will be their shoulder to cry on when they wonder where you are and why you are no longer around. I will not bad mouth you in front of them for making the decisions you made. I can not sympathize though.I see their hurt. I know they need you around. I am the one who deals with countless questions about your whereabouts and when they are going to see you again. As gently as I try to explain the situation in ways they understand, I can’t fill the void. I am only able to soften the blow.  It hurts me to see them longing for something I can’t fulfill. If you think you can be replaced, I assure you that you can not be replaced in their eyes. They miss you and ask for you often. It frustrates me that you refuse to believe that the kids need you.

They need you just as much as they need me. We are the most important parts of their lives.  I can’t replace you and you can’t replace me. Maybe we can get past this one day. The kids need us to.

Trying to parent while separated is not easy.  Are/have you been a single parent?

Nani's Corner

Good ol’ DSA-The Divided States of America.

I know, yet another politically charged post. Wait!! Stay with me though. This is not to point out one side being better than the other but a plea to stop all the unnecessary name calling and the ridiculous fights over someone’s beliefs being different from your own. It’s hard to watch friends, peers and family members trying to belittle one another because they can not agree on political views. It doesn’t matter if you are a member of the Republican, Democratic, Libertarian, or the Green Party, YOU are no better than or worse than the other. As the human race, we are equals. We breathe the same air, bleed the same color blood and have our own struggles.

Continue reading “Good ol’ DSA-The Divided States of America.”

Nani's Corner

Life behind bars.

Cell phones. Many of us have at least one if not multiple devices in our household. As great of  a tool as they can be, smart phones are also shackles to growth and development when not used properly. I admit, I have allowed my cell phone ( and other electronic devices) to control my life. Sitting here today after a very productive night, I kept thinking about all the things I needed to get done for the day. As I sat there running my to-do list in my head, I held onto my cell phone scrolling through posts and clicking on any interesting thing I saw. I mean, who doesn’t want to know that John Cena’s girlfriend has to sign a lengthy “pre-nup” just to move in with him? I would be fibbing if I said that was the only post I read. Snapchat filters, Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram. All lure me in like a bait car in a parking lot. Just a trap. I know I should resist but I find it hard to do so.  Chaos can consume me and my phone is a safe and very dangerous place to run. It is extremely difficult to give up my crutch. I use it to communicate and I use it to hide.

Continue reading “Life behind bars.”

Nani's Corner

Hidden Secrets …. 

**Trigger Warning**

This is about childhood sexual abuse.  If you are sensitive to this subject, please stop here. …..

Continue reading “Hidden Secrets …. “

Nani's Corner

Pressured 

The story begins… Cute baby girl with chubby thighs. Perfect right? Wouldn’t change a thing or would you?  Some time between now and 2 years old the pressure is on. Continue reading “Pressured “