I wanted to talk to you about your depression. I know you two have been involved for a very long time and sometimes I feel like I just can’t handle the relationship that you two endure.
I don’t mean to come off self-centered but the pain that I experience listening to you tell me that you don’t think you are a good mom or you have suicidal thoughts pains me to the core. I often feel so hopeless because I don’t know what to do. I worry about the children you may leave behind or the boyfriend that would be devastated that his future wife would no longer be there to share and build a life. What’s going to happen to all of our future plans like taking a trip back to Las Vegas or watching our kids play with each other? Granted, I don’t have kids yet but you have to be here so you can see me bring one into the world and try to fumble my way through motherhood.
On some levels, I feel that depression has replaced me as a close friend. I remember back in the day when we would get up, go to Ybor and do crazy things all night long. Now, I’m lucky if I even see you once every few months because your self-esteem seems to be shot, your body image is shattered and you feel that you are unworthy of love. You mean the world to me and my life doesn’t make sense without your crazy stares, the passive aggressive rebuttals and your loving embrace. Why would you want to give that all up? What about your parents that would be forced to bury their child prematurely? What about your kids that look up to you as their superwoman? I cannot repair or replace the relationship that you want with your mom but I know that one day she will come to realize how great of a woman you are. While you are dealing with another tantrum, I am aware you long to reach out to her for some motherly advice.
I think I understand what you are going through. Some days you wake up and are ready to conquer the day. Sometimes, you get on yourself about your looks but I think you’re beautiful and it is very apparent when we step out and all the men and sometimes women flock to you. Then comes those days that I dread. When I pick up my phone and it says “I feel like I’m an idiot” or “I am not good enough for my children” or “Claire, what’s the point of living anymore?!” In those moments, I feel myself holding back tears and trying to figure out how to respond to make sure that you know that you are a loved person. I know that I work a lot and I’m not trying to make excuses but I am truly here for you and you know I will drop anything at a drop of a dime if you need me.
Please take this as my plea to you and all of my other friends that are dealing with depression:
1. You are not alone.
2. Suicide is not the solution.
3. Surround yourselves with positive people.
4. When you feel you can no longer handle life, send a distress call and your loved ones will come.
5. Remember you have a purpose for living.
And please, don’t leave me behind.
With a heavy heart,