Claire's Corner

I am a beautiful, smart and FAT woman

I love myself. There, I said it.  I’m naturally a tease, can recite random facts with ease and rock a killer smile that always shines. I feel like I carry my 238 – 250 lbs beautifully with my wide hips, big butt and thick thighs. I am an educated, Haitian woman with multiple degrees and I love to be challenged. I have parents that put me on a pedestal, best friends that put up with my antics and self-confidence that is as large as the sky. I swish and sway as  I move but boiling underneath the surface is a part of me that I despise.

I hate my darkened inner thighs and the stretch marks that sprint across my stomach. Why would someone want to sleep with a woman who looks like she is pregnant with no fetus in the womb. I am FAT and I hate it. Climbing up two sets of stairs kills me and sometimes when I am engaged in physical activity, I get leg cramps. Leg cramps?! The kind that need to be massaged out or require me to walk around for minutes until they dissipate. Further compounding the issue is my  obsession with food. Eating it, making it and watching Delish videos on Facebook serve as pastimes. Dinner  always includes an appetizer, entrée and dessert. Eating fruits and vegetables? Yeah, I go through phases and then go months without eating a banana or carrot. Current status: avoiding added sugar for 100 days yet I have probably cheated almost daily for the last two weeks. Buying $50 hair bundles? Nah. Paying for a succulent medium rare ribeye at Ruth Chris? Let’s go!

I don’t care how confident you are.  You dread going shopping with your friends as you follow them around the store trying on their XS, S and M. ” Ma’am, do you have XL?” ” No, we do not.” Well damn, the average size of a woman in America is a 12 yet fashion continues to cater to single digits?! ” Let’s go ziplining Claire?!” Uhm, I can’t because I am afraid of heights. What I omit is that I am afraid the cord won’t be able to support my thickness and I will fall to my death. When men approach me asking for a date or a dude sends me a  snap  telling me how he would like to have a chance, I often think to myself ” why?” or  do they only want me because they think I’m easy prey – the big, Haitian woman who probably has self-esteem issues stemming from her plus size. Big women need love too but are we are often treated as an experience to put on a list or deemed unworthy of acknowledgement.  For years, I have yoyoed from taking laxatives for weeks at a time, walking 3 – 6 miles a night at Lake Hollingsworth and multiple, failed attempts to cut carbs, sugar and everything in between. Lose 10. Gain 15. Lose 30. Gain 45.  I can master a skill, make a great brownie and motivate a team to produce better patient outcomes  yet, I can’t seem to lose weight for the life of me.

I am just so tired of being fat.  I have asked so many friends for help over the years that sometimes I feel like they don’t even believe me when I say that I am going to make it happen. I stopped buying clothes that I was going to lose weight to fit in because there are so many pieces sitting in my closet collecting dust. I feel like a loser sometimes even though I know I have some worth, right? I just want to see a less sloppy version of myself. I want to take pictures sideways and not see my stomach droop. I want to manage my Diabetes without having to resort to medication. I don’t want any more leg cramps.

I’ll warn you though..Don’t you dare call me fat because I will give you a five minute speech about how awesome, plump and pretty I am. Despite my internal turmoil and unrelenting want to transform my body, I am me and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Do you struggle with weight? I would love to hear your stories and thoughts below.

35 thoughts on “I am a beautiful, smart and FAT woman”

  1. I love this post. I wad able to relate in so many ways that I started crying. Growing up, I always had problems with my weight and especially when you have close family members that make fun of you, it did not help the situation. There has been a lot of things that happened to me in my past that made me realize that I will always be the fat girl with pretty eyes. I used to think that guys only saw the color of my eyes but never saw me for who I am. I may look confident and walk around with my head held high but deep inside I used to look in the mirror and cry. Now I am proud of who I am and feel a lot more confident in the skin that I am in. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to lose weight but now it’s about me.

  2. Beautifully written!! I myself struggle with a weight problem even though people will tell me I look fine. But my response to those comments is that skinny people have problems too! I’ve pushed myself to work out at least 3x a week when my schedule permits so that I can reach my ultimate weight goal! Keep striving and pushing for your goal!!!

  3. It’s important that we love who we are, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t want to change some things. I think striving to be more healthy and not focusing on the scale is a good way to go. Wanting to not have leg cramps and to be able to manage your diabetes without medications are great goals to strive for.

  4. Amazingly written! First and foremost, thank you for shedding an honest light on the inner turmoil that women face everyday! I used to be 250, lost 90 lbs through strict diet and I’m still not happy. I have a horrible relationship with food. I can’t go out to eat with others because I have such anxiety over how bad a food is or how high in calories, carbs, sugars, fats it might be. So I avoid it at all costs and make up crazy excuses. Or I go out and order “water, no ice”…I just ate, funds are tight, I came for the conversation, are my favorite lines. Sometimes I miss food so bad. Junk food, buttery, gooey, cheesy, greasy, chocolatly, buttery, calorific indulgence! So I treat my self to one, give into one craving, one food that I’ve been wanting, drooling over, dreaming of, and then another, and another, and then something else takes over and it’s out of control. Then the guilt and disgust and shame kick in and so does the self induced vomiting and laxatives.

    No matter what we do, how much we loose, how great we look we’re never happy because society does not allow us to be. We always gotta be better….thinner, blonder, and we always are taught that we’re not enough if we don’t have a perfect and flawless physical appearance.

    I’ve never shared this….you inspired me.

  5. I also struggle with my weight..a lot. I just want to be healthy and not avoid myself in mirror. It’s frustrating because it seems everytime I seem to make some progress I have some health issue pop up that requires me to take large amounts of prednisone or practically be on bed rest for several weeks. Then I’m right back where I started plus some. It also is frustrating when someone tells me they gave up pop and lost 15 pounds when I have given up all excess sugar and maybe lose 2. But in any case I love your confidence and wish I could have a fraction of yours! You are beautiful and one of the most amazing people I have ever met 😊

  6. This is thoughtful, enlightning and a rather complex look at a significant portion of ladies in the U.S. It took some fortitude for you to write this I’m sure, and it is much appreciated… from the male side. It defintely gives a fresh, much needed perspectiveand is idea-provoking!

  7. Good there are people like you are confident enough and love to share stories. This is such a good help especially those people who are still overcoming some inferiority. Loving ourselves for what we are is a much needed formula to be able to face the world.

  8. This is such a raw, open post! Congrats to you for that openness. I totally understand you on the inner turmoil, I have been on the weight loss rollercoaster for years. I always feel that when I lose a pound, 2 months later I have gained 2 back. Keep on trying! I know I am 🙂

  9. I love your positive attitude towards your weight. I agree that everyone is insecure about their bodies unless have Victoria secret model body. But no one needs to make us feel bad about it. And being overweight or underweight also doesn’t mean we should not take steps towards healthy lifestyle. xx

  10. What a great and very frank post! I think as women we all struggle with our body image in some way so we can all totally relate! You are very positive keep focusing on all your amazing parts and ignore those that bring you down. Life is too short!

  11. OMG. You basically just put all my feelings into words. Every couple weeks I start a diet. I lose weight and then put it right back on. For once, I’d like to accomplish losing and keeping the weight off!

  12. The despair is deep. Again another well written post that I can relate to. When I finally get my ass up and lose this extra weight that I’ve been dreading the last 5 years… I’ll probably be still left with the despair. We have to start loving ourselves no matter what shape that we’re in. No matter. Thanks Claire for being transparent.

  13. What a great post, it has taken me many years, but I am never going to be a perfect size and I love my body now, I think once you actually learn to love your body and not care about what others think or what their size is, you will be much happier x

  14. This was a delight to read because it was so raw and honest!! I have struggled with my weight for the longest time it fluctuates and only got worse after having kids!! I wish I could care less about my size and love myself the way I am but honestly I don’t!

  15. I love this post so well written and one that many can relate too. Also love that little picture with the ‘fat people are harder to kidnap’ it did make me giggle. I put weight on after having my kids so don’t anyone will have an easy time kidnapping me any time soon lol.

  16. This post is so brilliant in it’s honesty. You are beautiful but I think we all know what we would like to change about ourselves and can still beat ourselves up inside.

  17. I never used to struggle with my weight, but over the last few years I have put 2 stone on and finding it really hard to shift

  18. Such a wonderful post. I am around 290lbs and hated myself for years. Finally at the age of 40 I decided to start loving myself. And I’ve been ziplining in St Lucia and I’m still here to tell the tale. Give it a go! Xx

  19. First I want you to know ! I love you. You carry the kind of curves that only a precise and experienced mathematician can measure. Your love for food is as important as the knowledge you have gathered over the years of your life. You are beautiful with a smile unique of its own, a cherishing a life worthy of it adventures.
    I say take yourself on adventures that breaks the laws of gravity. Let yourself be as a snowball, let yourself go, the transformation you’re seeking is within as the fight you’re fighting is within. Therefore, roll on and amasse all that you can (can you picture this ball of snow rolling?) now there is a giant tree of huge branches and large leaves planted right of a cliff. Now, let yourself break into it. The result of all you wishes from the transformation you’re seeking will be the most beautiful thing ever, and remember the mind is a powerful place to spend your time.

  20. I am a believer in finding the balance for you. Unless you commit, you won’t lose weight basically. Sounds daft but if you struggle with a sudden drastic change, make slow tweaks that you perhaps wont notice. For example if you have sugar in your tea, or on your cereal… stop using it or swap to sweetener. Use an app like MyFitnesspal to log your food intake (even drinks) and that will help show what you are eating. With exercise swimming is your best friend – that and walking… aim for a certain amount of steps a day. Look there is nothing saying you have to try to lose weight in a certain way do it your style! Be happy, honestly it has taken me years to get my head around that. Do what works for you! If you need any help or food/fitness advice please do let me know – I’m training to be a PT.

  21. Loving your curves is one, wonderful thing. But wanting to be able to manage your diabetes without meds, and not have leg cramps when exercise are fantastic too – and lovely specific goals, which makes them all the more achievable. Swimming might help as it’s low impact too.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts today! I am actively working on my weight so I am hoping this is the year I will see some consistent results.

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