I love myself. There, I said it. I’m naturally a tease, can recite random facts with ease and rock a killer smile that always shines. I feel like I carry my 238 – 250 lbs beautifully with my wide hips, big butt and thick thighs. I am an educated, Haitian woman with multiple degrees and I love to be challenged. I have parents that put me on a pedestal, best friends that put up with my antics and self-confidence that is as large as the sky. I swish and sway as I move but boiling underneath the surface is a part of me that I despise.
I hate my darkened inner thighs and the stretch marks that sprint across my stomach. Why would someone want to sleep with a woman who looks like she is pregnant with no fetus in the womb. I am FAT and I hate it. Climbing up two sets of stairs kills me and sometimes when I am engaged in physical activity, I get leg cramps. Leg cramps?! The kind that need to be massaged out or require me to walk around for minutes until they dissipate. Further compounding the issue is my obsession with food. Eating it, making it and watching Delish videos on Facebook serve as pastimes. Dinner always includes an appetizer, entrée and dessert. Eating fruits and vegetables? Yeah, I go through phases and then go months without eating a banana or carrot. Current status: avoiding added sugar for 100 days yet I have probably cheated almost daily for the last two weeks. Buying $50 hair bundles? Nah. Paying for a succulent medium rare ribeye at Ruth Chris? Let’s go!
I don’t care how confident you are. You dread going shopping with your friends as you follow them around the store trying on their XS, S and M. ” Ma’am, do you have XL?” ” No, we do not.” Well damn, the average size of a woman in America is a 12 yet fashion continues to cater to single digits?! ” Let’s go ziplining Claire?!” Uhm, I can’t because I am afraid of heights. What I omit is that I am afraid the cord won’t be able to support my thickness and I will fall to my death. When men approach me asking for a date or a dude sends me a snap telling me how he would like to have a chance, I often think to myself ” why?” or do they only want me because they think I’m easy prey – the big, Haitian woman who probably has self-esteem issues stemming from her plus size. Big women need love too but are we are often treated as an experience to put on a list or deemed unworthy of acknowledgement. For years, I have yoyoed from taking laxatives for weeks at a time, walking 3 – 6 miles a night at Lake Hollingsworth and multiple, failed attempts to cut carbs, sugar and everything in between. Lose 10. Gain 15. Lose 30. Gain 45. I can master a skill, make a great brownie and motivate a team to produce better patient outcomes yet, I can’t seem to lose weight for the life of me.
I am just so tired of being fat. I have asked so many friends for help over the years that sometimes I feel like they don’t even believe me when I say that I am going to make it happen. I stopped buying clothes that I was going to lose weight to fit in because there are so many pieces sitting in my closet collecting dust. I feel like a loser sometimes even though I know I have some worth, right? I just want to see a less sloppy version of myself. I want to take pictures sideways and not see my stomach droop. I want to manage my Diabetes without having to resort to medication. I don’t want any more leg cramps.
I’ll warn you though..Don’t you dare call me fat because I will give you a five minute speech about how awesome, plump and pretty I am. Despite my internal turmoil and unrelenting want to transform my body, I am me and there is nothing wrong with that.
Do you struggle with weight? I would love to hear your stories and thoughts below.